Up Next
Previous
Your Horoscope

Your Horoscope for Today

AQUARIUS!
Thereís travel in your future when your tongue freezes
To the back of a moving bus.
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-
Mole 17 hours a day.

PIECES!
Try to avoid any Virgoís or Leoís with the Ebola virus
You are the true lord of the dance, no matter what
Those idiots at work say.

ARIES!
The look on your face will be priceless when you find
That 40-pound Watermelon in your colon.
Trade tooth-brushes with an albino dwarf, then give a
Hickey to Meryl Streep.

TAURUS!
You will never find true happiness- what you gonna
Do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow youíll wake up, do a bunch
Of stuff, then go back to sleep.

    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today

GEMINI!
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your
Explosive flatulence.
Your love will run into trouble when your fiancť
Hurls a javelin through your chest.

 

CANCER!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the
Rest of the week face down in the mud.
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while
Taking your drivers test.

LEO!
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and
And staple it on your bossís head, oh no!
Eat a bucket of Tuna-Flavored Pudding, then wash it
Down with a gallon of Strawberry Quick.

VIRGO!
All Virgoís are extremely friendly and intelligent-
Except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with
Your head impaled upon a stick

    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least
A bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets
And stars could have a special deep significance or
Meaning that exclusively to only you, but let
Me give you my assurance that these forecasts and
Predictions are all based on solid, scientific document-
Ed evidence, so you would have to be some kind of
Moron not to realize that every single one of them is
Absolutely true.

Where was I?

LIBRA!
A big promotion is just around the corner for some-
One much more talented than you.
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that
When your appendix bursts next week.

SCORPIO!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall
Screaming from an open window.
Work a little bit harder on improving your
Low self esteem, you stupid freak!

SAGITTARUIS!
All your friends are laughing behind your backÖ
Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borngine
Youíve got hanging in your den.

CAPRICORN!
The stars say that youíre an exciting and wonderful
PersonÖ but you know theyíre lying.
If I were you, Iíd lock my doors and windows and never
Never never never never leave my house again.

    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today
    Thatís your horoscope for today