A Light in the Darkness

Q: HOW MANY ROMAN CATHOLICS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Nun.
 

Q: HOW MANY METHODISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Undetermined.
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a lightbulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
 

Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three.
One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
 

Q: HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight.
One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
 

Q: HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
“We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.”
 

Q: HOW MANY LUTHERANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Change?
 

Q: HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten.
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
 

Q: HOW MANY JEHOVAHA’S WITNESSES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: They’d have to get out of your doorway first...
 

Q: HOW MANY SOUTHERN BAPTISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: One hundred and nine.
Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.
 

Q: HOW MANY EXISTENTIALISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Two.
One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
 

Q: HOW MANY QUAKERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
Who needs a lightbulb when you have an inner light?
 

Q: HOW MANY MORMONS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
 

Q: HOW MANY PAGANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Six.
One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before Christians came along.
 

Q: HOW MANY JEWISH RENEWAL RABBIS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Depends.
One if it’s an eco-kosher bulb that isn’t going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called “The Jew in the Lightbulb.” Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
 

Q: HOW MANY JEWISH MOTHERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
“It’s all right; I’ll sit in the dark!”
 

Q: HOW MANY PRESBYTERIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
 

Q: HOW MANY NAZARENES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
 

Q: HOW MANY METAPHYSICIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: None.
Metaphysicians know, based on the laws of quantum physics, that there is no lightbulb. All things in our present reality, including lightbulbs, are mere illusions.
 

Q: HOW MANY NEW AGERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Five:
One to meditate on the meaning of light, two to set up a workshop on lightbulbs, one to light candles until the bulb becomes sufficiently evolved, and one to tell us what light will look like in the new millennium.
 

Q: HOW MANY TELEVANGELISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: One...and for the message of light to continue, send in your tax-deductible contribution today.

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